How To Get Past One Of Your Own Hurdles

March 19, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Coaching, Emotional intelligence, Women and Work, Work Life Balance

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

- Epictetus

Do you remember the excitement of doing an obstacle course as a kid? Jumping over logs, diving through hoops, shimmying under ropes, and then running across the finish line. Pure fun! However, when it comes to our grown up lives, navigating the hurdles commonly found along the way is not quite as easy. At times, these blocks may be external circumstances, over which we have little control. But more often than not, it is the internal hurdles which dog us the most, and are the most challenging to move past.

This principle is seen in the concept of emotional intelligence. Of the four areas of emotional intelligence, the first three are devoted to growing our internal resources, by building self awareness, other awareness, and self management. The last area - being able to manage our external relationships with others – is really a healthy outgrowth of the prior three.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at a common internal hurdle that can get us stuck. And let’s see what can be done to get past it.

To do so, we are going to pay a visit to a master in the field of psychology: Aaron Beck.

Aaron Beck is known as the father of cognitive psychology. Beck observed that there were specific thought patterns that could become embedded in people’s world views. These thought patterns, used repetitively over time, become automatic and contribute significantly to people’s stress levels. More importantly, getting people to recognize and disrupt these thought patterns could reverse their levels of stress and anxiety.

In my work with women, I’ve found that a common stress-related habit is one that Beck described as the habit of selective attention.

This is an automatic thought pattern of only paying attention to a specific aspect of an event, interchange, or circumstance.

Take for example Kelly, a senior executive at her company. She and her team are assembled to work on an important project with a looming deadline. It is a predominantly male team, and she feels she must fit into the company’s culture – not unrealistic at all. However, by working single-mindedly at fitting with the culture, she takes on the habits of unforgiving working hours as well as a limited show of emotion at work. This leaves her feeling isolated and stranded in a foreign land. At the same time, she misses picking up on the cues of her coworkers who are willing to engage in a more nuanced approach to the project. Were she to look more closely, she would find that there are indeed others – including her boss – whose philosophies hew closer to her own at times. By noticing this and fostering it, she may be able to introduce the beginnings of a more balanced approach to her team. And feel less isolated at the same time.

This is not to deny the realities of her work. The corporate environment is often a tough one for women. However, no matter what the realities of your situation, there is always room to improve your subjective experience of it. And this in turn can make an objective difference.

It benefits you to be aware of what your assumptions are and what you are focusing on. To quote Beck, “A person’s cognitive appraisal of a situation plays a central role in the development of stress.”

We should ask ourselves:

* If I face a stressful situation, is my current point of view about it 100% realistic?

*What nuances and degrees of “give” exist that I may be overlooking?

*Am I “selectively attending” only to the evidence that supports my current paradigm?

*Do I need to expand what I pay attention to? Do I need to shift my worldview?

*How can doing so enlarge my take on the situation, and free me up to be more effective?

When it comes to dealing with stress, there will be real world blocks that you may not be able to transform or move overnight. Yet, pay attention to what you are paying attention to. Be intentional with your focus. You may find yourself less stressed and more effective at getting past your hurdles.

Warmly,

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Be Emotionally Intelligent: Appreciate The Gift That Is…You

February 12, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Coaching, Emotional intelligence, Power Of Appreciation, Work Life Balance

Have you caught yourself saying or thinking things like this?

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

“I should have done more!”

“It’s not bad but it’s not quite as good as I’d wanted.”

Sometimes women have a tendency to take our accomplishments down a notch or two before we acknowledge them. Or we chastise ourselves for not doing as much as we think we should.

Perhaps celebrating our wins feels too prideful or pushy. So we develop a knee jerk response of tamping down our achievements, both externally to the rest of the world, and internally as well.

We may also get into a tight cycle of pushing and striving. We demand more from ourselves, feeling that what we’ve done is not enough. This mindset subtly entertains the idea that we are somehow omnipotent, able to accomplish ever more, go ever higher.

I’m not sure where these messages come from. But what I have seen in my practice is that, left unchecked, they can become a serious drain on our energy and internal resources.

I’m not an advocate of unmerited bragging. However, just as we go out of our way to encourage our spouses, children, friends, and colleagues, we should also appreciate what is being accomplished in our own lives. Just as we sense when others require nurturing and encouragement, we need to sensibly replenish our own tanks as well.

Developing this type of self-awareness is one hallmark of emotional intelligence. With that in mind, here are a few of the things you can appreciate and celebrate about yourself:

The amazing diversity of things you have learned

The unique way in which you do your work

The people who laugh and smile through you

The children you’ve brought into this world

The things you teach others

The ripple effects, both small and large, of the work you do

The support you give to someone else, just at the very right moment

How your positive choices deeply impact others

How grace flowing into your life overflows to those around you

This week’s food for thought: Don’t allow messages of do-more and dissatisfaction to run around unchecked. Instead, take time to stop and figuratively smell those roses in your garden. This is a way to develop the important habit of regular rest and renewal. In turn, you’ll find yourself re-energized for all your other daily activities.

This week’s action steps: Stop for a moment and take stock! What do you see that pleases you about your own life? Linger there for awhile. Develop the habit of gratitude, celebration, and appreciation – for who you are.

Warmly,

To subscribe to my coaching newsletter, click here.

image credit: freedigitalphotos.net/master

Eight Ways To Put On A New Perspective

February 5, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Checklists, Coaching, Work Life Balance Tags: emotional intelligence 1 Comment

The question is not what you look at, but what you see.

- Henry David Thoreau

In the 2010 New York Times bestseller “Unbroken,” the story of Louis Zamperini’s life unfolds. A World War II and prisoner of war survivor, Louie endures horrific and almost unbelievable experiences. Yet he goes on to survive, flourish, embrace Christianity, and find the ability to actively seek out and forgive his former captors. He is still alive today at the age of 96.

Along those lines, a fascinating movement is under way in the U.S. Army. For years, much time, attention, and money has been given to the cause of diagnosing and treating post-traumatic stress disorder in returning veterans. But in recent years, the military has also begun to promote the concept of resilience and post-traumatic growth.

The idea grew out of researchers’ observations that despite harrowing circumstances, significant numbers of trauma survivors, such as Zamperini, are able to thrive. One study in 1980 on airmen captured during the Vietnam War found that 61 % of them felt they had grown positively through that experience – for example, they enjoyed their lives and appreciated other people more. Many described a deepening of their spiritual lives. A follow up study 25 years later found that the soldiers convictions remained unchanged!

What’s the takeaway for the rest of us?

Not all of us will face the drastic, dramatic circumstances experienced by those in combat. But the lesson here is that the perspective with which we approach our obstacles and difficulties – whether at work, at home, or in-between – can have a profound impact on the outcome.

Often, we’re not fully aware of what our perspectives actually are. Like fish in the sea, we may come to believe that swimming is the only way to move forward. However, taking the time to step back and try on a new perspective can do wonders for the way in which we engage our lives and engage the world.

This week, let’s look at eight questions you can use to reframe your focus and remodel your perspective.

Consider:

1. Is your current challenge a problem, or an opportunity for something unexpected?

2. How can the difficulty you face make you stronger?

3. Could the benefit in the end outweigh the current struggle?

4. Does the relationship outweigh the accomplishment?

5. Is this a temporary situation, or does an eternal perspective make a difference?

6. Should you measure only concrete results, or is there something intangible gained through your efforts?

7. Do you want to “just get through,” or can you find the benefits in the steps you’ve already taken?

8. Does the situation remind you of what you don’t know, or what you have the opportunity to learn?

This week’s food for thought: We often find what we are on the look-out for. In challenging situations at work and at home, we can use the principal of perspective to become more effective. And we may even begin enjoy and embrace some of those very challenges.

This week’s action steps: Take a few minutes to consider a recent obstacle or challenge. Use the list of questions above and write down (yes, write) three ways you can positively reframe the situation. You may find that, like Louis Zamperini, having the right perspective can transform the journey you take to get to your destination.

Warmly,

To subscribe to my coaching newsletter, click here.

image credit: freedigitalphotos.net/scottchan

The Power Of “Why” Over Worry In The Workplace

January 28, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Coaching, Emotional intelligence, Work Life Balance

Worry. It’s a part of all of our lives. Sometimes it escalates to the point where it takes over and impedes our ability to function. Anxiety disorders, especially among women, are one of the most prevalent conditions seen in primary care offices.

However for most people, worry does not get to that critical point. Instead, it remains at a low hum.

Take for example the lawyer who has a nagging sense that she should do more with her career and get involved with different types projects if she is to make partner. She is not debilitated by worry, but it has become chronic, low level drain on her reserves throughout the day.

Worry can also come to a boiling point, when a confluence of life circumstances becomes overwhelming. Take the woman whose husband’s corporation announces a major downsizing, just as their kids are about to launch for college. She suddenly feels a much more acute level of concern about her own career. Is her position at her company replaceable? Has her work been effective enough for her to be promoted?

These are just two examples out of innumerable ones in which real life, in all its glorious imperfection, impinges on our hopes for smooth and steady sailing.

Life is imperfect, and worry is a part of living.

Most of us tolerate a low level of daily worries. Left unchecked, however, worry can begin to run amok. It may not completely shut us down, but it can have the slow, steady effect of wearing at us and wearying us.

That is why it’s important to stop and ask, Why?

The use of Why to disrupt worry is a powerful arrow for your quiver.

What follows is a mini-primer on how to coach yourself to use Why over worry.

Step 1: Back up. The roadmap of our inner life has a well-described circuitry. Research from the field of cognitive behavioral therapy has identified a linked chain of events. In its simplified form:

a) Thoughts lead to feelings.

b) Feelings lead to actions.

Often, the feeling of worry appears without our specific, formal invitation. Once worry arrives, we are off and running. We respond to our feelings almost “automatically” with actions. The tail has wagged the dog.

The lawyer with the vague but relentless feeling that she should be doing more, begins to step up her work intensity. But after 3 months, she finds herself run down and exhausted. She’s responded to the feeling of worry. But is it effective and warranted? Not really.

What’s a better way?

The better way to is to back up one step in the circuit. Instead of starting with the feeling of worry, start with investigating the underlying thought.

Step 2: Go further. Here is where you ask yourself the first Why. In our example with the lawyer, the first question is: Why are you worried about your job performance. The answer might be: “I feel my peers are outperforming me.”

Look further again: Why do you feel they are outperforming you? “Because I see them proceeding at a faster pace.” Why does that bother you? “Because I may get passed over for partner.”

And again: Why is that important? “Because I want more job security at the firm. But also because I enjoy the prestige associated with it – that’s important to me.”

Now we find that our lawyer has gone from a vague sense of worry to a more pointed, concrete set of concerns: security and prestige.

Step 3: Challenge. Next, she can begin to look at and challenge the concrete set of concerns. Why are security and prestige important to you? Are there other valid and available sources of security and meaning in your life? If so, what are they?

Step 4: Moderate, re-evaluate. Our lawyer can now address her concerns in a more balanced way. Rather than a free floating sense of “I should be doing more,” she can get specific. She may identify a more realistic response: “Security and meaning are important to me. My job is an important source of both. However, my faith and my family are true, deep sources as well. I can also handle an element of the unknown in my life – it’s okay for me to not be in full control. I will do my best at work, but I can accept that it may not always proceed along a perfect path.”

Step 5: Rewire the circuit. One of the hallmarks of anxiety disorders is an all-or-nothing thought pattern. In this case, the lawyer has identified her thoughts, and has re-cast them in a more realistic light. As a result, her feelings are less extreme. Instead of a pervasive, nagging sense of worry and unease, she has pinpointed a manageable area of concern: “I’d like to be able to move forward, but it isn’t a complete disaster if I don’t do it right away.” Her feelings have changed. As a result, she finds her actions are different as well: she is less prone to allow herself to burn-out with long, intense hours at work. And she is less prone to allow self-doubt and recriminations to run around unchecked.

She is still doing her best. But the “fire within” now fuels her without burning her. She is better able to enjoy her work, her efforts, her outcomes without becoming tied to them.

Life will keep coming at us, full of its imperfections and its worries. We will frequently (constantly) be in the position of having to examine our thoughts, in order to manage our emotions, and become more wise with our actions.

But with practice, you can be more selective in how your thoughts, feelings, and actions affect one another.

Starting with the power of Why.

Warmly,

To subscribe to my coaching newsletter, click here.

(photo credit: freedigitalphoto.net/ohmega1982)

Emotional Intelligence 101: How To Set Good Boundaries

January 14, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Coaching, Emotional intelligence, Work Life Balance Tags: healthy boundaries

Are you able to just say no?

During client sessions, I’ve found that one area where women are frequently challenged is in setting firm boundaries. As in: “Here’s what I can do, here’s what I can’t do, and here’s what I won’t do.”

Perhaps it’s based on an old habit, reinforced since childhood, of trying to play nicely, get along, make amends. For many of us, this has translated into a reflex of people pleasing.

In and of itself, there’s nothing wrong with that.

However, when we get drained by filling others’ tanks and not refilling our own, we become ineffective with the people around us. And we sideline ourselves at the same time.

What’s a better way?

Today, let’s look at ways to set healthy boundaries.

A main tributary of emotional intelligence (or EQ) is knowing and understanding ourselves. This does not require 25 years on the Freudian couch. Sometimes it just requires that we slow down, reflect, and re-affirm something we knew to be true all along.

One way to grow your aptitude of self-awareness is to become clear about what you can and cannot do. Here are some ways to build a healthy self-awareness of your own boundaries:

1.Remind yourself that you are not indispensable. Ultimately, there is no outcome that hinges on you and you alone. Repeating this mantra frees you to practice number 2 below.

2. Look for ways to delegate to others. This gives another person an opportunity to solve the problem – a win for you, and a win for them. Becoming aware of what you don’t need to do is reinforced by seeing what others actually can do.

3. Get better at saying no. If you feel it is reasonable to say no, but the other party remains insistent: consider that the issue may not lie with you but with them. You may have a valuable insight to bring to the table that the other person doesn’t see. In that case, rather than giving into the other person’s agenda, you should continue to negotiate the situation. Your ‘No’ may be the best thing for both sides.

4. Apologize selectively, not reflexively. Don’t reflexively apologize, unless it is genuinely called for. As women, we tend to preface difficult statements or small missteps with, “I’m sorry.” This reinforces the idea that we are responsible for all sorts of minutiae that in fact have nothing to do with us. So get back in the habit of being responsible for the space that is truly your own!

5. Celebrate and appreciate. We all enjoy achievement and are motivated to get to our goals. However, non-stop striving leads to burnout. The line between being driven and going into overdrive is often a thin one. One way to manage that is to scope back and take an overview of your accomplishments. Appreciate and delight in what you’ve already done! Take the time to acknowledge your successes – and what you’ve been gracefully given.

This week’s food for thought: Do you feel that your Yes’s and No’s are clear? Do the people around you respect your boundaries?

This week’s action steps: Find two or three situations this week where you can practice setting clear boundaries. Delegate a task. Give a firm no when it is warranted. Celebrate and be grateful for your accomplishments! You will grow your self-awareness EQ, and find yourself feeling refreshed and refueled.

Warmly,

To subscribe to my coaching newsletter, click here.

(photo credit: freedigitalphoto.net/twobee)

The Simple, Startling Effect Of Setting A Goal

January 7, 2013 By Dr. Ann in Coaching, Work Life Balance Tags: goal setting

We all realize that living fully means living with intention. But what about putting this idea into real-world action? Sometimes, the break-neck pace of life gets in the way of coming up with a game plan for that aforementioned life. It’s often a mini-triumph simply to get through the day.

Yet it is that very break-neck pace of life that requires the most intention. Setting a goal is one of the simplest and most effective ways to do just that.

I know: creating goals requires time and valuable energy. You may feel that you don’t have room for yet another thing added to your to-do list!

But here is a key to thriving in work and life: the energy you put into creating vibrant, relevant goals will come back to you many times over. Consider it one of the ultimate returns on investment.

Given that, let’s look a little closer at what it means to set a goal. Although it may seem obvious and easy at first, the humble act of setting a goal has powerful ripple effects.

There are three ways that goal-setting can have a startling impact on what you do:

1. Setting a goal primes your subconscious. Have you ever primed a piece of wood or other surface before you started using it? You did it so that the surface would be ready for the work ahead. Research from the field of goal-setting has found that similarly, when you set a goal, it “primes your mind.” Your actions, thoughts, and decisions bring you towards the identified goal. The goal becomes a new background environment, influencing your choices as you go about your day to day activities. I find that to be amazing.

2. Setting a goal brings you from theory to reality. It’s one thing to say, “I want to do something different with my career.” or “I want to improve my marriage.” It’s another thing to say, “I want to be self-employed within 3 years.” or “I plan to set aside an annual retreat with my spouse the first weekend of every January.” A goal gets you to identify and assemble the nuts and bolts needed to build out your plan.

3. Setting a goal increases accountability. The act of identifying a goal, putting it in writing, and thinking specifically about how to accomplish it increases your commitment to the goal. You’ve highlighted it as important and attainable. This in turn increases your drive and motivation to accomplish the goal, and makes you more likely to follow through.

This week’s self-reflection: Is there an area of your life that you feel needs more intention? Some common life areas that people consider in the coaching setting are relationships, work, health, and faith.

This week’s call to action: Set a goal for that life area! It doesn’t have to be a huge goal – in fact, it’s better if it’s not. Start out by writing down three practical, manageable steps you can take in the next few months that will bring you closer to your goal. You can further boost your accountability and follow-through by telling another person about your goal.

Warmly,

To subscribe to my coaching newsletter, click here.

(photo credit: freedigitalphoto.net/bplanet)

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